Friday, September 08, 2006

Time doesn't heal all wounds

This is my 9-11 post, I chose the weekend when only people I conider to be family are likely to read this. I want to thank my clsest friend in the blogosphere Warren and Justin for helping me deal with some of the issues of 9-11. Many others of you have also been very helpful with some of these issues and I thank each and every one of you.

There is a notion that some have that time heals all wounds and with time you will be made whole again. This is just not true, and I envy those who have the ability to forget. Sadly on most nights I get around four hours of sleep unless I am ill or exausted. Around once a week my dreams take me back to 9-11 like a broken newsreel loop. The images in my mind have not dulled with time.

It is actually harder to live in the North Country than to be back home. Every few days someone asks and they are well meaning. Back home there are plenty of other people to ask. There is also white noise that makes the sound of low flying planes undetectable. The other day military excersizes at the nearby airport unsettled me. I drove to Hazens Notch to get away from the low flying planes.

Making the situation worse are the anti-semitic conspiracy clowns. These are the same people who held a Nuremburg style rally while the buildings were still burning on Saturday. Jerry Falwell makes yet another stupid comment about Gays and the media reported that. 2000 anti-semitic Commie traitors hold a Nuremburg style rally on the Saturday after 9-11 and America heard nothing. The conspiracy clowns make a mockery of the dead. They insult the brave firemen who knew they were joining history as I raced away from it. The conspiracy clowns insult the intelligence of any rational thinker. I read a post from the most deranged conspiracy nut of them all and even far left commies thought talk of Muslim Goblins was insane.

Time does not heal all wounds and I am likely to be tied to that day for the rest of my life. There will always be the sincere coworker who asks about that day. There will be a young child who asks simply "what happened". More annoying are the far left red rednecks who make a mockery of that day. Even our benign Anti semitic poultry dismisses what I and many others experienced on that day. Poultry is more worried that Muslims might be scrutinized at airports or be made to answer for a crime commited in their name. Is my future that of the Pearl Harbor Vets who lay a reef in the Sea every December 07 n the Staten Island Ferry?

There are also plenty of Walter Mitty type leftist who mistake me for John Wayne. Although John Wayne, James Arness, Richard Poe and myself all share the same birthday
we are not super heroes. Several leftists have remarked well did you try and rescue anyone. No you were a coward and ran and saved your backside. There were Police officers who were spooked by that day and also ran. They are not to be blamed as no amount of training could ever prepare one for what happened. It is amazing that the vast preponderance of rescue personel rose to meet the vortex of death. Sadly, at times like this we often see the best of man trying to fix the hell created by the worst of man.

9-11 and the 93 blast will travel with me in my memories until I am forgotten. We should always remember the rescue personel who died trying to save others in an unspeakable hell. They embody the noblest of our virtues and should never be fogotten.

Beamish in 08

35 comments:

Justin said...

Beak:

I know this weekend and Monday will be espcecially hard on you and your in my prayers. I wish I could say it aint so but you are right there are some wounds time can never heal or take away. While we all suffered on that day we can never say that we suffered as you and others who were there did and continue to do so.

While one can never know but only imagine what it must be like to have been there on both occassions we will stand side by side with you in support.

Strange as this may sound at this point. Never forget and never fail to remind others of what happened that day. I know the left would like us to forget the truth of what happened and what brought us to that day but to do so would only be a dishonor to those who died and those who gave their lives trying to save others.

And Buddy believe me you were and are not a coward for running that day. You are here to remind us lest we begin to relegate that day to the darkened closet of memory.

Stay strong, stay well, and thank God (even if you arent the religious type) that you can remind others of that day.

The Merry Widow said...

Beaker-You are not trainned in fire-rescue and except if you were asked to stay and help carry someone or help dig people out, you would have been in the way! You helped by not cluttering the area for those who were trainned! Do you think I will ever forget the sight, sounds and smell when I waitted for my husband to die in our livingroom? I'm sitting in the same chair I sat in that night rubbing his feet and talking to him! All I have to do is turn a little to the right and I can "see" where the hospital bed was. No, you don't forget and it will hit you between the eyes at unexpected times! It will sneak up at your most vulnerable moments! That's okay, you know why? Because first off, we weren't created by G*D to experience these things, HE didn't create death! Secondly, our minds are wired in such a way that the more physical inputs we have and the greater the biochemical barrage, the more imbedded and vivid the memory. Those who have been through such things similar will have memories for life. It's not fair, but life isn't! That's why I withdrew me invite to visit, the planes out of the base would be very bad on your efforts to relax! those who went through Pearl Harbor, and I've known a few, have the same difficulty. Bearing up and going forward takes a lot of courage, more than people realize! A lot stay locked up and never leave, it defines who they are with nothing to show but insanity!
Go with G*D!

tmw

Always On Watch said...

Beak,
Almost five years have gone by, but when a horrific event such as the 9/11 attacks happens, the wound never closes for those who felt a tie to what and whom were lost on that day.

We are not made to forget an atrocity such as 9/11. Nor should we!

The cowards are the ones who manage to forget and/or to pretend 9/11 didn't happen, doesn't matter. They are afraid to admit reality and afraid to confront evil.

You are strong, Beak. You especially need that strength the next few days as we approach the 5th anniversary of 9/11.

This is your brain's way of coping and your brain's way of giving you strength: Around once a week my dreams take me back to 9-11 like a broken newsreel loop. The images in my mind have not dulled with time.

beakerkin said...

I would like to thank all of the above commenters. People who make those remarks about my running have an agenda. These are mostly far left people who live in a reality divorced from ours.

The anniversary will not be so bad up here. I may take the morning off and visit the memorial in town. If I am lucky maybe personel
will allow me to sit with the beam
for a moment or two. On the rare moments I am in the other facility I always stop by and visit and remember the moment when even the secular man sang the testament of faith.That song is the less comon of the two my people sing in preperation for death.

" Their are no aethiests in Foxholes".

Elmer's Brother said...

Beak, no excuses necessary. You are in my prayers also. I have wondered several times about your experience that day, how horrific it must have been...I have been in combat and I was scared to death...but I still can't relate to what you must have gone through that day. Hooyah and here's to sweet dreams....someday.

beakerkin said...

Elmer this may sound funny but being in combat you are with a team. I joined a herd racing away from history as others were rushing to join it. A member of a herd has a vauge connection to the other members.

I wish someone could explain that explosions are not like a Bruce Willis film. There is a sonic reverberation and I got tossed to my feet by the impact of the second jet eighty stories above.
Windows were blown out four blocks away.

Most importantly the story belongs to the rescue personel whom I passed. They knew what they were facing, but did their duty anyway.
In the old days we had a concept of honor. I pray that honor never becomes passe. It still exists in the military and with rescue personel, but we need more of it in our personal lives.

Elmer's Brother said...

You're right Beak explosions are not like the movies. Your survival is nothing to apologize for. I have heard of people who have gone through these experiences feeling guilty for surviving. You have nothing to apologize for. We're glad you're here with us.

FLORIAN said...

Beak my prayers go out to you for what you've been through. Time doesn't heal all wounds--I agree. Only God can. My hope for you is that you will hopefully find your peace with Him andd continue to fight the good fight everyday like you do here and that you know you have a lot of allies in us. I'm very proud to know that I know you and consider you a friend in the blogosphere.

beakerkin said...

Thank you Florian and Elmer

There is only one person I wish were there. Some fat tub of lard has been running around Europe saying " There is no terrorist threat". I would like hime to say this in a NYFD house.

MissingLink said...

Beak,
Time doesn't heal all wounds but perhaps the thought that we are not alone and that there are still some people who understand our pain helps us to persevere.

Mr. Beamish the Instablepundit said...

Beakerkin,

Update your read of the left. The Iraq war has made us "less safe" from the terrorist threat that "doesn't exist." This is the new spin the left is producing, just in case anyone felt ballsy enough to slander them with the idea that leftists are capable of rational thought.

Mr. Beamish the Instablepundit said...

Wait for it! Ducky will be along shortly to tell us that the Saddam Hussein that had no armor, air force, or properly equipped infantry held the Iranian juggernaut at bay until we unseated him.

Or some other personal affirmation of leftist stupidity. Surprise us, Ducky!

Esther said...

Beak, you had no other choice but to get out of there. As others have said, you'd have gotten in the way of rescue efforts otherwise. Don't say you ran away from history. You ran from death. That is basic human instict... and a smart one! Survivor guilt is tough, but to my mind, you were spared for a reason. What you do, writing this blog, chasing happiness, giving comfort and information to others -- are all good reasons. Hang in there, my friend.

nanc said...

esther = wise woman. beak - nobody knew what was going on that day - we're in arkansas and felt the extreme need to go retrieve our children from school. helpless is the best description of the feelings we had. when it was all said and done, we knew that our children had entered a new ugly world we could never again shield them from, but AHA - we could enlighten them and that's what we spend our time doing with them now.

what the enemy meant for evil, G-d will turn to good. not to be crass, but how much better we all are for 9/11. no longer fat, dumb and happy. this was a sign to remain alert.

you, being so close to the action that day, are as a rape victim - something was taken from you you'll never recover, but something new was added and believe it or not, you are better for it.

sorry for the black and white scenario.

Always On Watch said...

Beak,
I read your posting this morning and haven't been able to get your words or YOU out of my mind all day long. I wanted you to know that and also to know that I'm praying for you. This is such a hard time for anyone who was an eyewitness on 9/11.

I don't want to get too sentimental here, but just let me say how glad I am that you survived that day. Think of all the lives you have touched for the better because you're still with us!

Elmer's Brother said...

Beak,

Heaven forbid that you would forget that day. Hopefully someday you will be able to live peacefully with it.

Esther I agree with nanc you are wise.

beakerkin said...

AOW, ESther, Nanc

I will somehow have to come to terms with that day. At work people think because I can joke about many things the horror of that day has healed. The horror of that day will never heal.

The Duck on AOW's blog talks about blind hatred. It is his kind that are so expert in the practice of blind hate. What do deranged anti-americans do after your friends and neighbors are incinerated, they hold a Nuremburg style rally amongst the smell of burning evil.
The self righteous commie rats lecture us about blind hatred as they blame the worst attack on America on the Jews.

My girlfriend was a very wise woman
and touched my cheek and said " I am not going home without you". Pained by my anger, she had played the trump card from time immemorial
a man's sense of duty. I gave her a pained acknowledgement, but she was right my primary duty was to her.

Over time my anger at the left has not abated. They are traitors and vermin who can not be trusted. They should be watched by the government and penalized when they break the law. Our country has a phobia about denaturalization of born citizens and it should remember the nature of the two enemies we face. Communists like Ducky, have a lengthy history of deciet. Their loyalty is to a genocidal philosophy that is enimical to human life. If and when they break the law they should be deposited in North Korea.
Let Kim Jong mentally ill deal with his minions. Jihadis deserve the same fate and also should be denaturalized for violations of the law.

A lecture from Duncy about blind hatred is surreal.

nanc said...

well - one thing for sure, now is NOT the time to "get over" this - we are fighting a cancer that knows no cure and none in sight. this is the time to muster all the righteous anger we can. if we don't, who will?

The Merry Widow said...

The problem is, too many people believe anger is "bad". Wrong, it's what we do with that anger that determines it's fitness! rage is bitterness added to anger, but if we use anger as a spur to right a wrong, or deal with evil it is righteous indignation which is useful!
I think plucky has been living in film so long that he has forgotten what a lot of emotions are for!
Good morning, G*D bless and Maranatha!

tmw

Always On Watch said...

Beak,
About hatred...I submit that there is such a thing as righteous anger, which is very different. Righteous anger focuses on right vs. wrong and on the yearning for justice.

Duck's recent comment at my blog revealed something about him. He imagined that my tribute to Steve Glickman had something to do with blind hatred. Surreal, indeed! Isn't that called "transference" in psychological terms?

beakerkin said...

AOW

The Duck, who foams at the mouth with classic anti-semitism, is so worried about anti-muslim anger. Lets see the amount of beheadings
carried out by outraged liberterians is zero. I have yet to see a Randoid smack planes into office towers and incinerate NYers.

This is the classic Duncy who took two Days to name who blew up the WTC. If he is so concerned about Mooooslims maybe he should remind them to stop killing civilians.

The Duck is typical of the far left.They rationalize and spin terror and juxtapose it with the response.The Duck is behaving in classic Commie style. In Vietnam when low level government officials were assasinated by Commies, there were excuses galore. These excuses also
included almost zero coverage of genuine commie massacres far larger than Mai Lai.

There is a reason for this and I am blunt. When one is an apologist for a genocidal failed philosopher rational thought and values go out the window. People think I am joking about denaturalizing people like John Brown and Ducky should they violate the laws of sedition, but I am dead serious. People with fealty to this philosophy have a history of espionage and treason in the USA and should be intensely watched by the government.

TMW

You are 100% correct.

AOW: I placed my response here as to not violate the spirit of the tribute. The betrayal of America yet again began that Saturday in Union Square Park. They didn't even wait until the fires were out
to stab us in the back, again.

The Merry Widow said...

Beaker- That is the nature of Evil, what as the first sin, rebellion against G*D and a desire to BE G*D! That is the root of all the failed utopian fantasies, desire to play G*D with other peoples lives! mohammadins, commies, anarchists, et. al. they want to call the shots and bully people! plucky is no different in desire, he just doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to do "the dirty work" necessary! he is detatched from life and living, he really is pathetic along with others who poop in the livingroom. They don't have the courage of their convictions!
To quot. Montrose, again, "He either fears his fate too much, or his desserts are small, who will not put it to the touch, to win or lose it all." Many of us here have either "put it to the touch..." or are more than willing too and we therefore LIVE! We are also willing to stand up in spite of ridicule, that takes courage. We have red blood in our veins, our hearts work and we can thereby really live!

tmw

Anonymous said...

tmw very eloquent

Warren said...

AOW said:
" Isn't that called "transference" in psychological terms?"

In psychological terms, its projection.

Transference is the cause and projection is the result or the "release" of the transference.

Projection, involves the tendency to see someones own unacceptable feelings in others.

The desires or emotions are still there, but they do not belong to them. The "objective", (I would say idea but its not a completely conscious process), is to make ones self feel superior.

Beak, quite frankly, you didn't have any reason to be there. If I were a cop or fireman, I would have ran your ass off!

When have you ever known a cop or fireman to ask people to hang around and help?

ExPreacherMan said...

Beak,

This is my first visit, thanks to Always On Watch.

I appreciate your openness -- and your courage. Whether you believe it or not, God left you here for a reason. Don't ever stop speaking your mind about the tragedy of that day and your condemnation of those who did it. Never fail to remind us of the stupidity of the Left's constant "anti-everything good" refrain.

The Left has not changed as far back as I can personally remember -- the appeasement days that followed Pearl Harbor Day, 1941 and since. I was 12 1/2 years old then and have seen the Left continue its bombardment of our God given freedoms ever since.

The evil forces of the Left will not surrender. We must meet force with force. Ideologically they must be defeated in the market-place of ideas and the truth of God's Word. Even at best, man's ideas may fail, but we can trust God's Word, which will endure forever.

Beak, thanks for your honesty and integrity in relating your 9/11 experiences. I am linking from my 9/11 post to yours here.
http://expreacherman.wordpress.com/2006/09/09/remember-911-remember-911/

ExP (Jack)

The Merry Widow said...

Thank you anonymous. Are you the same person who also posted at DUd'rat? If you are, welcome and I understand your desire to continue undermining the DUd'rat ShantyTown!
Jack, graet to "see" you here! Yes, Beaker has quite a way with words and he is honest about what is happening to and with him! I will warn you though, it can get a little "Wild West" around here! There are some seriously deranged individuals who roost occassionally and the language can get, raw! I skip some of those, I don't deal with people like that well, for very long!

tmw

nanc said...

"There are some seriously deranged individuals who roost occassionally and the language can get, raw!"

heaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Always On Watch said...

Warren,
Projection, involves the tendency to see someones own unacceptable feelings in others.

Of course! I know the psych terms for the type of education with which I'm involved, but have forgotten most of the rest.

Beak,
AOW: I placed my response here as to not violate the spirit of the tribute.

I thought so, and I appreciate your refraining. I responded almost immediately. Me and my bluntness, though usually a polite type of bluntness. Usually.

Some others have also weighed in by now, and that's fine. Good, actually. I'm still busy with unpacking and with composing lesson plans.

The betrayal of America yet again began that Saturday in Union Square Park. They didn't even wait until the fires were out...

Until many postings ago you mentioned that rally, I was unaware of it. My politeness would have gone out the window if I'd been close to that rally. The fires weren't yet out, and some of the cell phones were still chirping, though probably not many by Saturday.

beakerkin said...

TMW

The problem with the Utopians is the think man can play god. We can't our egos are too frail and we forget humanity and resort to our basest impulses.

Warren

The thought of helping never occured to me that day. I was a rubber necker and that was a human reaction. This was until a woman flopped in the distance. There were several policemen who panicked as well. They are not to blamed as no amount of training can ever prepare one for what happened.

The entire questioning of men like myself did not come until months later. Invariably it was from people who were not there, with a far left adgenda. This is a modern version of chicken hawk. These people have zero clue.

Preacherman

I blundered into history that day, just as I did in 1993. The irony of the worst evil bringout the finest display of courage is ironic. Yet these ironies fill our lives each and every day.

In an earlier era the behaviors of the Firemen and NYPD would be described as manly or honorable.
Sadly, those concepts seem passe in the new world. Are we better for it or worse off? Maybe twenty years from now a child will tell me about how there was honor in my generation.

Adding insult to injury was the Nuremburg style hatefest where the Commie left blamed Israel and the Jews. This is a mad era we now live in. The current era has Meathead being more bigoted than Archie.

Warren said...

Beak,
The whole thing from the leftists is an attempt to discredit you as a person. Its exactly like the "chicken hawk" mime.

Think about it, You can't speak about Iraq unless you served in the military, (unless your a self-serving leftist pig), and if you did serve, you're a baby killer or some such crap. You've seen it from the "Stain", and others.

I don't allow the cheap rhetorical maneuvers of leftist swine to determine my worth as a human being.

beakerkin said...

Warren

I have lived through the insanity of Muslim terror twice. The left will never silence me. I was allready a foe, but after that rally in Union Square my emnity for the sons of treason haas been squared.

We will be hit again, it is a matter of time. America will get tired of the seditious vermin. This is a matter of life and death
and these idiots want to play political games.

eyesallaround said...

tmw makes a good point. If you can keep things in perspective, you did the best you could in a HORRIBLE situation... Try not to be angry with yourself (the victim), but keep your focus on the evil people who did this. It's because you are better than they are that you recognize and feel the evil of it all. If you too were evil, you would think they were just "feedom fighters"... Heh!

Freedomnow said...

Beak you would have been a fool to try to rescue people during the 9/11 attacks.

We have professionals just for that purpose and there were plenty of them.

What kind of a person would criticize you like that? They are heartless bastards.

(sorry to AOW and TMW and anyone with 3 initials that doesnt like curse words.)

beakerkin said...

Freedom Now the thought of trying to help did not occur to me what I saw pushed me into panic mode. I started to run but was thrown to my feet by the blast above. At that point nobody knew what was next.

The criticism I faced for running comes from those on the far left. As you have stated the rescue personel tried to get everyone out including me. There were Policeman who ran too, but they are not to be blamed. No ammount of training ever prepared one for what was to come.

I did what I was supposed to do on that day. I will have to be content
with my tiny role. We all live with the illusion the we are John Wayne like. On that day I lost that illusion and joined the faceless herd running North.

I am no hero, just a witness.

WomanHonorThyself said...

Hiya there..u say.."They embody the noblest of our virtues and should never be forgotten."...as I'm sure u do as well..after all u spend your days trying to spread the word of good. Hang in there...These are troublings times no doubt..but the good Lord has a plan..and hey..The sun will come out tomorrow!..:)