Tuesday, April 15, 2014

More Jeff Bezos jokes

Sticking with the theme of silly publicity stories

6) Bezos asks the Psychiatric association to name a mental health disorder after him. Biden has a planet named after him but Bezos wants a mental health malady...
7) Bezos creates Amazon extraterrestrial. His real interest in space is a cheap ploy to get new Amazon customers.
8) Bezos creates Amazon family. Unhappy with your family no problem. You can use Amazon to recast the roles of your annoying relatives. Say goodbye to loud and boorish cousin Milton. You can recast these relations using Amazon family. Replace loud cousin Milton with Thomas who does not speak a language you can understand.
9) Bezos considers creating a new application for those of us with difficult life choices. Ever wonder what type of wine goes with possum hit by a Volvo ask Amazon life coach. Ever wonder how to get your husband to put down the toilet seat or ask for directions ask the Amazon life coach app.
10) Bezos creates an Amazon Prime Afterlife Option. Imagine long after you are gone an app to reproduce your spending patters into eternity or however long it takes your actual family to consider you are deceased.

Now this is all in good clean fun. I ask that anyone who wishes to create their own Bezos jokes keep them in good taste. We will not publish jokes making fun of a person based on his physical appearance or ethnicity.
The sad part is the real Bezos might actually get some ideas from these jokes and get motivated to find ways to generate new revenue.

Not a fan of Jeff Bezos

I am not a fan of the cult of the egomaniac Jeff Bezos and the 24/7 publicity machine. Examples of this endless desire for non stop publicity are the news stories about drones and paying employees chump change to quit. This egomaniac should be rife for all types of comedic skewering.

As Bezos is fond of insane self promotion.

1) Bezos ponders asking American to chip in 25 cents each to get him to quit placing these stupid stories in the newspaper
2) Bezos prints a special edition of a Christmas Carol where Scrooge is renamed Jeff Bezos
3) Bezos considers the possibility of the creation of robots to spray bathrooms fouled by people whose movements could be considered a cross between a landfill and rotting flesh
4) Bezos creates Amazonian apps to allow tech nerds without a life a chance to have an actual social interaction.
5) Bezos buys a circus so he can hang out with clowns.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Got out in time

Vermont is about to become the Mecca for high taxation. No doubt had I remained this latest scam involving single payer would be at my doorstep. Even though I was on assignment there for three years, I did pay NYC taxes and had NY health care options. 

No doubt the snowbirds and transplants who relocated to VT and elect deranged socialist lunatics are now going to have to pay for their insanity. How many of them leave for NH or upstate NY remains unknown.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Goodbye J&R

It is with great sadness that this crusty New Yorker conveys this. I should have seen this coming. First the oldies section disappeared, then the records. There are those that love Amazon and the turd of a CEO Jeff Bezos. The factories where the workers assemble the orders are as close to sweat shops as one get.

I miss the old dusty book and record stores. No doubt there are those who miss other forgotten parts of our life like diners with a competent soda jerk. Actually, this is a lost art and I still craft an oldie or two for the daughter upon request.

I miss the mom and pop stores and the small merchant. The days of knowing the guy who ran the hardware store or pharmacy are a thing of the past. We are not better as a society when local institutions die and are replaced by yet another frozen yogurt place or endless sandwich shops. If you have the luck of living in NYC Lennys is the apex of this genre and Potbelly is acceptable. On principle I will not eat in a Subway where the food is dreadful.

I will remember the joy of hunting for gems in J&R. Finding that rare nugget was always a joy that a person of my age will remember.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Fatherhood First

I want to state that the happiest moments of my life are spent with my daughter, daughter in law and granddaughter. This was not a role I intended or thought would happen. Being there as a dad even with the bad moments means everything.

I exchanged emails with a friend who was a true Christian and recently passed. Even though my family is Hindu and I am Jewish I celebrate the Christian holidays with my family as well as the Hindu festivals. On a certain level you will grasp my non thoughts about many things.

I have never been theologically inclined. My view of the matter is that religion is a complimentary function of a well balanced life. At the center of that life are personal ethics and values. Without a healthy core any religion is merely window dressing for hypocrisy.

I remember the Judaism of my youth and it wasn't always annoying. The best of it was the time with my grandfather. We would bring the family together for a Passover Seder. The focus was the family and the Seder was merely a means to an end.

My disdain comes from seeing a mania and Felix Unger type on nonsense from my brother over the most idiotic of small details. Instead of bringing the family together his mono-focused mania and rambling over minutia make his visits annoying. His children are basically headed to a future of mendicancy and cultural impairment.

The battle between myself and my brother is typical of those in many homes. The culture of entitlement is something of a moral and mental defect impacting parts of my community. The impositions of the religious upon their more secular family is never really discussed. When my brother visits he brings his extremism and ignorance with him. Save religious texts and vocation my brother is a cultural zombie and a first class bore.
The house gets transformed into a medieval dwelling and his endless visits become a source of anger.

At the center of this conflict is the sense of entitlement. He is religious so it is peachy that he hold his hand out and live a joke of a life. His wife would be sent into industrial therapy with symptoms remarkably similar to classic inner city conditions that are commonly seen in drug addicts. She has no sense of time, organization,
has zero social skills and can not hold even the most menial of jobs with an advanced accounting degree. Her sloth has burned through resources that should have been intended for other family members. When my brothers car broke rather than get a new one, he pressured my parents into taking mine.

He rushes from party to party giving gifts he can not afford and comes with his hand out. His son is finally in a college attempting to get a degree but years of substandard dedication to secular studies, cultural isolation
and bombastic fixation on Torah will no doubt lead to a life of mendicancy. The best of this pathetic lot is the niece who will likely marry and have kids she can't afford with a theologically obsessed drone.

As a father I made sure that these conflicts do not exist in our home. The holidays serve as a vehicle to bring
the family together. We do not obsess over banal details and the focus is family first. My daughter understands that hard work is part of life and being self sufficient is the only way to live. In essence I recreated the spirit of my grandfather in my own family.

Now some of you may be shocked and appalled, but my grandfather would understand my angst. His life as well as that of my maternal grandmother embodied the following values family, hard work, honesty and self reliance. The notion that one should study theological texts on the dime of others would not be something he would have approved of. Pushing away others with religious boorishness and mendicancy would not be acceptable.

I will be with my daughter at an Easter dinner and there will be no seder this year.  I chose family and substance first. Religion is a way to bring families together. When it divides families or becomes a chore the
essential essence of the faith is lost.

A Happy Passover and Easter to All

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

This week Active Shooter Training

Due to the series of workplace shootings Federal Employees are now mandated to undergo active shooter training.In the event a deranged crazy nut comes to the job my response will be. How are you doing Warren Wilhelm or whatever you are calling yourself at the moment. The mayors office is that way.

Monday, April 07, 2014

Frummies from Hell

After a long hiatus, the planets worst house guests have returned. They never go home on time and are still here as they drag out their painful toxic visits. The brothers wife has gotten fired from yet another job. The folks are upset that I disinherited his entire family in my will. I am so annoyed at them, I purchased burial space in Guyana to get away from them.

I despise the frummies and the best of this lousy lot is the niece who elected to stay home. They are not bound by things like jobs and responsibility. God takes care of them, usually at my expense and I am sick of them.

I am at the point where I will be writing a will. My parents are steaming, but I gave them nothing except a scathing insult.  

Saturday, April 05, 2014

Interesting discussion with peer

Frequently, I disagree with my peers on a range of subjects. Most of the time it is on vs fact and what we can prove. Also if the US Government makes a mistake it increases the burden of proof.

There are a whole range of words that are not supposed to be said in Federal offices. If I hear something perceived to be a slur, I will usually intercede immediately. Most of the time I remind people that this is a legal proceeding and that those words are unacceptable and make you look inarticulate. The most common word that comes out in this context is bitch.

The term retardation is a term that was socially acceptable in an earlier era. When used by a person over 60 it does not have the same pejorative context. In cases where testimony about this subject comes up usually Autism or Downs's syndrome is the term. My peer pointed out that the public has a right to be offensive. He is 100% correct, but in a legal proceeding there is really no need for that. The presiding official is responsible for the tone.

In my case I was cringing because a Stroke survivor used the term multiple times. My discomfort was so great that when my boss called me out the first words out of my mouth were "I didn't encourage that". She was listening and said." I know. However, the woman described everything perfectly. Get her out of here".
My boss was 100% correct and had I not been so disturbed by those offensive words I likely would have made the same decision earlier.

In general there is no place for slurs or even pejoratives in government offices. There are more creative ways to describe people. I refer to one obnoxious peer  at times as Batman, a vampire and as a front man for a horror film. These are descriptions of his style and if anything are insults to vampires everywhere.

My friend is 100% correct that our rights do include the right to be boorish and offensive. However, most of the time a gentle reminder is all that is needed to refocus the applicant. There are certainly more creative ways of expressing  your former wife's annoying habits than calling her a bitch. I also remind people that the officer is more pleased when people admit up to their own failings in an honest manner than blaming others.
It is a gentle reminder that we are in an official proceeding lets respect the forum and the process.