Monday, October 09, 2006

ESPN 15 Presents Celebrity Dodgeball Mr Beamish and Beakerambo vs John and Therese Heinz Kerry

This is Chris Berman and we are live in NYC at PS 22's playground. The site is filled with crazed kids as we present Celebrity Dodge Ball. Our local commentators are Curtis Sliwa and Ron Kuby.

Curtis: Dodgeball is the classic NYC school yard game. It is doge or get pegged with a fast ball. This is not something you girlie man pony tailed commie pinkos would know as you failed PE.
Kuby: Politicians are known for their ability to dodge a variety of life's issues. Thus we have a uber macho warmonger and an incoherent corporate pitchman on one side vs a Progressive Vietnam Vet and the African Pricess/ Heiress capatlist exploiter.

We will interview the teams in practice;

Kuby: So John what has led you to celebrity dodgeball.
Kerry Dodgeball reminds me of when I was in Vietnam dodging bullets and real combat.
I haven't stopped talking about my three months for 33 years.
Kuby: So you are proud of the fact that you a Capitalist War Criminal
Kerry: I was against the war, then went to war and led the protests against the war but now I am proud of my service.
Curtis: That was a fine exibition of dodging.
Theresa: John, why are you talking to that stinking man in the Che shirt with a Greasy ponytail and the play dough boy. Massage my feet Dahlink.
Kerry: It is hard to find loaded millinaresses. A man has to do.....
Thereza: Did I give you permision to talk.
Curtis: Un disgracia

Berman: Well John Kerry seems to be an expert in dodging. Now our taped segment in the other locker room.

Curtis: Mr Beamish do you think you have what it takes to take outthe Kerry's
Mr Beamish: I have been practicing my aim all week. Wacks Beakerambo with the ball.
Beakerambo: Me me mi %^&*76 me meep.
Curtis: You have supeior aim how did you train.
Mr Beamish: By nailing Beakerambo in the head for two weeks.
Beakerambo: Me me meep me hurts like hell
Kuby: This is shameless disgusting Capitalist exploitation of handicapped people with speech impediments....I am ouraged by the .......Wack
Cutis:That was excellent aim. Lets have a replay as Mr Beamish knocks out Ron Kuby.
Mr Beamish: A fastball to the head is the best way to deal with Commie libs.

Chris Berman; The teams are entering the field. Look at the section of kids dressed up in Mr Beamish Gear. There is a small contingent of Beakerambo fans. John and Theresa have entered the playground to a chorus of boooos. Will you listen to the crowd as Mr Beamish and Beakerambo enter the playground.

Our special guest referee is Mr T.

Mr T: I pity the fools. Hey you stop shaking. Speak Up
Beakerambo: Me mi meep A Team
Mr T: No cause to be incoherent talk like a man and be the man. I pitty the fool
Thereza: I married the fool
Crowd: WE KNOW
Beakerambo: Me mi meep mi Green Acres meep Mr Ziffel.
Thereza: What did that peasant say. How dare he adress me like that.

Kuby: It is apparent that the learning disabled exploited Beakerambo has mistaken Thereza Hienz Kerry for Za Za Gabor.

Mr T: Begin the Game Fools

Curtis: It is obvious the Fruit Loop Troopers are rooting for Mr Beamish.
Kuby: Kids do not understand nuance they understand crass commercial exploitaion.
Curtis: Mr Beamish has the ball. He picks it up and nails announcer Ron Kubynwith another fasball to the head. The crowd roars its approval.
Mr Beamish: Nuance is for whimps
Mr T: I pity that Ron Kuby clown he's out for the count.
Thereza: Does my Che shirt match my Manolo Shoes Dahlink.
John Kerry: You Look wonderful .
Beakerambo: Me mi Me meep whipped me me.
John Kerry: You need to know about give and take Beakerambo.....
Beakerambo; Meee mee meep take to the bank Meep.
John Kerry: Exactly how would you like to be the Ambassador to Botswana in a Kerry Administration.
Curtis: Beakerambo pick up the ball throws and misses. Thereza breaks a nail and calls for a time out that is dennied by Mr T.
Mr T: There are no timeouts in dodge ball we play to the end Fool.
Thereza: He must be talking to that idiot with za speeech impediment. What is with this me me mi.
Curtis: Mr Beamish picks up the ball and pegs Beakerambo in the back of the head.
Mr Beamish: Sorry there training reflex.
Mr T: Beakerambo is out take him to the No Fools Lounge.
Curtis: It is now two on one with the Kerry's having an advantage over Mr Beamish. John Kerry throws and misses. Thereza grabs the rebound and throws short. Mr Beamish grabs the ball.
Mr Beamish: Those are last years Manolo's
Curtis: Thereza looks down and is nailed by a Mr Beamish fastball to the head.
Mr T: Take the princess to the No Fools lounge.
John Kerry: That is the first time she has shut up since we are married.
Curtis: Who will win the showdown the Man of the People or the King of Windsurfing.
Kerry has the ball he throws and misses left. Grabs the rebound and misses left. Mr Beamish grabs the rebound and pegs AFlAC Duck and Ben Afleck in the first row. Kerry grabs the rebound and throws short.
Elmer's Brother: Did you really serve in Vietnam?
Kerry: Well I SPLAT
Curtis: Any Mr Beamish nails John Kerry in the head with a fastball. Kerry was distracted by Elmers Brother. Listen to the applause of the Fruit Loop Troopers as their hero Mr Beamish wins the match
Kerry: I protest I was missed by the dodgeball before I was hit by the dodgeball.
Mr T nails Kerry with the Dodgeball and knocks him out. " Take this chump to the No Fools Lounge
Bill Clinton: Hillary , Chelsea and I want the next match

Chris Berman; There we go from NYC the winner of this match Mr Beamish. The question is who will be the third partner.
Curtis: I have been talking with coach MZ and it is a toss up between Elmer's Brother, Jeff Bargholtz and Nanc.

Chris Berman: Tune in next week as the Clinton Gang take on Team Beamish in PS 58 in Astoria Queens. Tune in next week for celebrity dodgeball.


Mr. Ducky said...

'When I use a word,' Beak said, in a rather scornful tone,' it means just what I choose it to mean, neither more nor less.'

'The question is,' said Alice, 'whether you can make words mean so many different things.'

'The question is,' said Beak, 'which is to be master - that's all.'

Alice was too much puzzled to say anything; so after a minute Beak began again. 'They've a temper, some of them - particularly verbs: they're the proudest - adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs - however, I can manage the whole lot of them! Marxist! That's what I say!'

'Would you tell me, please,' said Alice, 'what that means?'

'Now you talk like a reasonable child,' said Beak, looking very much pleased. 'I meant by "Marxist" that we've had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you'd mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don't mean to stop here all the rest of your life.'

'That's a great deal to make one word mean,' Alice said in a thoughtful tone.

'When I make a word do a lot of work like that,' said Beak, 'I always pay it extra.'

'Oh!' said Alice. She was too much puzzled to make any other remark.

'Ah, you should see 'em come round me of a Saturday night,' Beak went on, wagging his head gravely from side to side, 'for to get their wages, you know.'

(Alice didn't venture to ask what he paid them with; so you see I can't tell you.)

'You seem very clever at explaining words, Sir' said Alice. 'Would you kindly tell me the meaning of the poem called "Jabberwocky"?'

'Let's hear it,' said Beak. 'I can explain all the poems that ever were invented just yet.'

beakerkin said...

Quick where is Mr Beamish with the dodgeball when you need him. He missed one and needs another shot.

Mr. Beamish the Instablepundit said...


The definition of Marxist you're looking for comes in the poem "The Walrus and the Carpenter."

Remember this the next time you wish to pretend to be literate with a Lewis Carroll parody.

Or stick to filmography. Fuck, I don't care.

Mr. Ducky said...

Beamish, you and Beak need to get a room.

beakerkin said...


Shame on you. Don't you know that Gert the homophobe monitor will be upset with you.

Celebrity Dodgeball is an idea whose time has come.

Do or die winner take all in the school yard as in life. Besides it helps market Mr Beamish and Beakerambo lunch boxes. Crass in your face Capitalism at its best.

Anonymous said...

Future Events:

The Ketchup Open

Battle of the Burgers

Mustard Vs Ketchup Celebrity Boxing Showdown

Heinz vs Kraft in a steel cage match, winner gets to give american consumers a new disease.

Gang Warfare (Kerry and the Leftist vs Bush and the Self Righteous Right)

Mr. Beamish the Instablepundit said...


Stop it. You're convincing me that I need to become a Democrat.

"Had Enough (Of Faggot Congressmen Text Messaging Other Faggots During Floor Votes)?"

Warren said...

"Alice laughed: "There's no use trying," she said; "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said Mr Ducky. "When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Elmer's Brother said...

I love distracting idiots. Let me at them Clintons. Hillary is a huge target and Bill's got heart problems. I'm gonna wear my "Hillary voted for the War" t-shirt.

nanc said...

i have sent a strong message to the enemy.

Jeff Bargholz said...

Mr. Dorky:

Real men aren't fixated on "Alice In Wonderland." What are you going to resort to next? A "Wizard Of Oz" parody?

You're such a Sheila.