Sunday, December 03, 2006

A Christmas Blunder



A Christmas Blunder

Starring Ducky, Mr Beamish, Beakerambo, Ruth Bader Ginsberg and many others

In the near future the forces of Marxist poultry have decided to sue Santa Claus and shut down production of toys for Children. They have decided to substitute Festivus as a non Commercial Winter Holiday alternative.

We join the diabolical plan in action.

Ducky: This time my plan of subverting America can not fail. Judge Judy is hard to fool by with Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the case I can't lose. Christmas, Hanukah and Kwanzah will be ruined for all so we can impose Festivus on the ignorant masses.

The Duck did win his case with the vile help of Ruth Bader Ginsberg. The fat man was shut down. The Elves were unemployed and Keebler did not have any openings. Worst of all there were piles of Mr Beamish and Beakerambo merchandise sitting in warehouses
waiting to be delivered to children.

MZ: Well it seems that Santa is down for the count. The ACLU finally got the big guy
and stuck us with this crappy excuse for a holiday that is worse than Kwanza.

Jason Pappas: Not to fear the Liberterian Wizard is here to drive madness and despair
into the hearts of commies everywhere. If Al Gore can accept campaign contributions from Bhudist monks in the guise of free speech than we can make Satire Claus.

Freedomnow: Yes a satire of the Old Santa Regime. We will call it Beamish Claws but he rides a huge Harley with a sidecar carrying his assistant who tosses super violent politically incorrect toys on doorsteps.

Thanks to the help of an army of super brilliant H1B Chinese computer geeks who hate Marxist vermin the factory was in running in 48 hours. The Indian H1B engineers automated the production and the elves were rehired in Customer service and human resources position. MZ productions even found a job for the big guy in Community Relations.

The diabolical plan went into effect and Beamish Claws and his sidekick delivered super violent politically incorect toys to the greatful children of America.

Billy: Look what I got it is a great new video game Grand Theft MA. Kick John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Barney Frank and Noam Chomsky's behind on the X-Box.

Fred: I got a cool Commie detector. It even comes with a book of liberterian responses to Commie stupidity.

Mary: I got a talking Ann Coulter doll.
Doll: " The only military man the Marxists like is the sailor from the Village People".

Fred: That is so cool and unlike Barbie she has a real job and kicks a$$$$.

Mary: What did Herb get.

Herb: Not much it is the Mr Beamish mayhem Chemistry set. Build your own expplosives, brew your own beer and annoy your folks kit.

Maria: I got the best gift of all The Metalica Christmas Ablum and a politically incorrect talking Bible Robot.

There were even gifts from Beamish Claws to adults.

Ducky: What is this crap on my door The Fountainhead in Calligraphy Nooooooooooooo
Uptown Steve: What is this crap who put the Fish sticks and bagels on my door step.
Damn those Bagels smell good I better get them inside before the brothers see me with them later.
John Brown: What is this a do it yourself labotomy kit? I went to Cuba for mine stupid $^%&%&^%& Capatalists.

Throughout the land Americans were spared the bland Marxist attempts at imposing Festivus o the masses. There were even new Beamish versions of holiday favorites.
Families everywhere were together singing Deck the Commies with loads of Amo and
Stealh Bomber night.

America had a great holiday despite the diabolical plots of Marxist Poultry and ACLU thugs.


Farmer John said...

...but isn't there naked jello wrestling on festivus?

Mr. Beamish the Instablepundit said...

The Beamish Heavy Metal Karaoke Mind Control Laser was delayed and will be on shelves Christmas next year.

American Crusader said... have a real talent for satire.
I'm serious.
Have you heard the latest charge about the war on Christmas?
It's all made up. A complete fabrication by right-wing extremist.
The proof?
There aren't any soldiers.

Elmer's Brother said...

I'm so glad the elves found work...have you ever seen a pissed off elf?

beakerkin said...


What is this Festivus garbage? Lets have Christmas and Hanukah as is. The last people who should set social policy are acolytes of class genocide.

Mr B I like the idea of politically incorrect super violent toys. We will have to see how John Brown got a do it yourself labotomy kit. Maybe a do it yourself cavity search kit would have been better.

nanc said...

O.T. - it's elbro's birthday!

tazzmax said...

Hey Beak, that was great,...LMAO!

How about an anal duck call for the "Quack"?....Or a thimble sized "head coffin" for Brown-ass?

beakerkin said...

Brown has never used his own head so head coffin for his own head would be great.

The Duck is very upset by his gift as he is impressed by Calligraphy and loathes Rand. Calligraphy is an amusing pastime but we will stick with Renoir.

Anonymous said...

I'm dreaming of a Dumb Democrat,

Like the ones we use to know,

When Kennedy was drinking,

And Nancy was partying with NAMBLA,

To remind us of Democrats long ago,

I'm dreaming of a Dumb Democrat,

Each time i shoot at Kerry,

When Moore ate all the Donuts,

And Clinton blew on fat white Chicks,

To remind us of Democrats long ago,

I'm dreaming of a dumb Democrat....

nanc said...

farmer? what flavor?

nanc said...

elbro - i've seen a pist off dwarf and that was enough for me!

Mr. Ducky said...

Beak, you taking in the Bryce Marden show at MOMA?

You really should, especially when he moved from color field to a formalism that was clearly influenced by middle eastern and Chinese ceramics. The "Tang Dancer" series is some of the finest work by an American artist in the last 40 years,

Just a terrific show. I'm surprised he was able to solve so many technical problems to keep everything in the picture plane and deny depth even with layered color.

Elmer's Brother said...

they can turn into monsters especially when they are outta work

Always On Watch said...

Good one!

I just had to sing that one. Hehehe.

Mad Zionist said...

Beak, isn't it remarkable that I have the time to produce movies while I have two kids under two, a wife and a job? I'm impressed with myself.

Farmer John said...


Tang flavored? There are just too many subliminals in that one to pass up.

beakerkin said...


Someone needs to count the cash.

Farmer John said...


Brice hasn't captured colour yet? What makes him believe he ready to move on to figure? Just because he's "tired" of colour?

Plato, "Meno"

SOCRATES: To what then do we give the name of figure? Try and answer. Suppose that when a person asked you this question either about figure or colour, you were to reply, Man, I do not understand what you want, or know
what you are saying; he would look rather astonished and say: Do you not understand that I am looking for the 'simile in multis'? And then he might put the question in another form: Meno, he might say, what is that 'simile in multis' which you call figure, and which includes not only round and straight figures, but all? Could you not answer that question, Meno? I wish that you would try; the attempt will be good practice with a view to the answer about virtue.

MENO: I would rather that you should answer, Socrates.

SOCRATES: Shall I indulge you?

MENO: By all means.

SOCRATES: And then you will tell me about virtue?

MENO: I will.

SOCRATES: Then I must do my best, for there is a prize to be won.

MENO: Certainly.

SOCRATES: Well, I will try and explain to you what figure is. What do you say to this answer?--Figure is the only thing which always follows colour. Will you be satisfied with it, as I am sure that I should be, if you would let me have a similar definition of virtue?

MENO: But, Socrates, it is such a simple answer.

SOCRATES: Why simple?

MENO: Because, according to you, figure is that which always follows colour.

(SOCRATES: Granted.)

MENO: But if a person were to say that he does not know what colour is, any more than what figure is--what sort of answer would you have given him?

SOCRATES: I should have told him the truth. And if he were a philosopher of the eristic and antagonistic sort, I should say to him: You have my answer, and if I am wrong, your business is to take up the argument and refute me. But if we were friends, and were talking as you and I are now, I should reply in a milder strain and more in the dialectician's vein; that is to say, I should not only speak the truth, but I should make use of premisses which the person interrogated would be willing to admit. And this is the way in which I shall endeavour to approach you. You will acknowledge, will you not, that there is such a thing as an end, or termination, or extremity?--all which words I use in the same sense, although I am aware that Prodicus might draw distinctions about them: but still you, I am sure, would speak of a thing as ended or terminated--that is all which I am saying--not anything very difficult.

MENO: Yes, I should; and I believe that I understand your meaning.

SOCRATES: And you would speak of a surface and also of a solid, as for example in geometry.

MENO: Yes.

SOCRATES: Well then, you are now in a condition to understand my definition of figure. I define figure to be that in which the solid ends; or, more concisely, the limit of solid.

MENO: And now, Socrates, what is colour?

SOCRATES: You are outrageous, Meno, in thus plaguing a poor old man to give you an answer, when you will not take the trouble of remembering what is Gorgias' definition of virtue.

MENO: When you have told me what I ask, I will tell you, Socrates.

SOCRATES: A man who was blindfolded has only to hear you talking, and he would know that you are a fair creature and have still many lovers.

MENO: Why do you think so?

SOCRATES: Why, because you always speak in imperatives: like all beauties when they are in their prime, you are tyrannical; and also, as I suspect, you have found out that I have weakness for the fair, and therefore to humour you I must answer.

MENO: Please do.

SOCRATES: Would you like me to answer you after the manner of Gorgias, which is familiar to you?

MENO: I should like nothing better.

SOCRATES: Do not he and you and Empedocles say that there are certain effluences of existence?

MENO: Certainly.

SOCRATES: And passages into which and through which the effluences pass?

MENO: Exactly.

SOCRATES: And some of the effluences fit into the passages, and some of them are too small or too large?

MENO: True.

SOCRATES: And there is such a thing as sight?

MENO: Yes.

SOCRATES: And now, as Pindar says, 'read my meaning:'--colour is an effluence of form, commensurate with sight, and palpable to sense.

MENO: That, Socrates, appears to me to be an admirable answer.

SOCRATES: Why, yes, because it happens to be one which you have been in the habit of hearing: and your wit will have discovered, I suspect, that you may explain in the same way the nature of sound and smell, and of many other similar phenomena.

MENO: Quite true.

SOCRATES: The answer, Meno, was in the orthodox solemn vein, and therefore was more acceptable to you than the other answer about figure.

MENO: Yes.

Farmer John said...

...or has he submited a blank white canvas yet as part of his ouvre?

The Merry Widow said...

FJ- I have accidentally(or blogspot had the hiccups)but there is a totally no post comment section at my blog. Want to go play?


Mr. Ducky said...

No Farmer, he hasn't submitted a blank canvas, although his early work with two color bands would probably draw your disdain since neither you nor Socrates have much of a clue to the technical issues of brushwork, size, color selection or the other technical considerations that went into his minimalists canvases.

How do you paint canvas white and keep it completely flat. What do you do about texture and canvas size?

Ellsworth Kelly has been working in single color for some time yet his early drawings showed him as one of the finest draftsmen of the century. Wonder why? Anyway, Kelly tries to relate color to natural forms, Marden does not, so Socrates needs to take a look at them.

Thing is that these guys know more about color than Socrates ever understood. Try Marden's "Nine Muses", a masterwork.

Farmer John said...

Granted painting was not Socrates' father's medium... But Sophroniscus was a great sculptor who was also related to Daedelus, whom Plato describes in his "Meno" as a popular painter of portraits.

Sorry, but there are no straight lines in half of Marden's musings, and no curves in the other half. Marden must be bi-polar.

Farmer John said...

All colour lies within the spectrum of "white". To use any other colour is to exclude colour. It is the universal in color as a point or a singularity would be in form.

Farmer John said...

How did you do that tmw?

Farmer John said...

...and that doesn't include what lies outside of our visual spectrum of color...

Farmer John said...

...and Marden's muses have been completely de-natured. The only object they could inspire to art would be IBM's "Deep Blue".

And last time I checked, computer's didn't need art.

Mr. Ducky said...

Really a spectacular show

Although it troubles me that the right would confuse Tang dynastry porcelain with a crappy drink mix.

I will continue to work towards cultural elevation.

Notice how Marden's solid panels break experience down to purely a question of color? Not as organic as Kelly but even Socrates would have had the eyes to see.

Farmer John said...

Socrates would have laughed at this "sophistic" art, devoid of "philo". It's either formless passion or passionless form, either way, all the truth of a "mixed" existence has been stripped away and tossed into a yawning void.

...and I truly mean, a yawning void.

Farmer John said...

Even artists in the Tang Dynasty knew to include both straight lines AND curves in their minimalist forms...

Farmer John said...

...and contemporary Chinese artists haven't forgotten this either.

Farmer John said... really need to read carefully what Plato wrote about colour and form, mr. ducky. Read it until you understand it. Marden wasn't a "minimalist" as much as he was a "sub-minimalist".

Farmer John said...

Colour is an effluence of form and effluences originate in existence That which has no form, which is non-existent, can have no colour. Figure is the only thing which always follows colour. Figure is the limit of the solid.

And Marden's colours have no existent forms from which to derive colour. And visa-versa the figures he ultimately derives have no existence either, and therefore deserve no color. Marsden is simply painting variations of infinity, none of which contain any iota of truth or the 'simile in multis'.

Farmer John said...

I take that back. Marden's colors originate subjectively and creatively from within the artist, but are in-artfully and incompletely expressed, for he is unable to express the figures which must result from his passions in a manner that is communicable to others of his own species. I liken what he does to mathmeticians doing calculations (drawing figures) for which no problems exist.

Mr. Ducky said...

So without leaves there is no green and without sky there is no blue? Or color has "meaning" if it is attached to a physical object or representation but only then?

I don't get your drift Farmer but it would simply break down ecause you would have to deny the canvas's physicality to deny the rest. Actually you'd have to deny man as a creative thinking being.

Marden is more a Randist than Aristotle.

Elmer's Brother said...

minimalist effluent is a good term

Farmer John said...

Without a name on a little tag next to the painting like "nine muses" or "tang dancer", no one would have ANY idea as to what his painting was about. In other words, there isn't enough "art" in the piece itself to be considered "art". It is sub-minimal art. It's like contemplating what color ink Einstein used when he wrote e=mc^2, as if the color would have made a HUGE difference and thinking that physicists should spend all their time contemplating the hidden meaning in his selection of "black" over blue. In that respect Einstein's color selection was 1,000x more significant than any of Marden's selections.

Mr. Ducky said...

Why is it necessary for it to be "about" anything? It exists independantly of any mimetic or reference.

Reminds me of something said about John Cassavetes' films. "He takes all of the 'about' out of it." Certainly woeked pretty well in Woman Under the Influence.

Farmer John said...

I didn't realize that the god of nihilism required sacrifices...

I thought since it didn't exist, it didn't care.

Farmer John said...

For something to "be" requires two things...physical existance, and some way to hold it within a person's mind.

If a tree falls in a forest, and no-one hears, does it make a sound?

Unless it's "about" something, there's no way it can be "held in mind" without that external "cue-card" that reads "tang dancer".

It's like the artist formerly known as Prince. He consigned his career into obscurity. Imagine if he had been a painting.

Words need to describe either something common, or something distinctive. Marden's art is neither. It's not a word. It's not "minimalist" art. It's sub-minimal, even for description.

Farmer John said...

art for the sake of art?

I do math for the sake of math.

Farmer John said...

...cuz math is gudonov for me.

kuhnkat said...

Little Che Sucky the Greenie Weenie Fascist proclaims minimalism.

Sucky, I believe you LEFTARDS have so embraced minimalism that you have minimalised your brains away!!!


As far as the rorschach tests you consider ART, which you use to test each other...


Yes, we are waiting for you all to minimalise yourselves to the point that you are not a load on the environment like all godd environmentalists should!!


Elmer's Brother said...

it's already happening kuhnkat, it's called the fertility gap and by the 2012 election the conservatives will outbirth the libs