The other day I was shocked by my new work assignment. I was being assigned to Gitmo and tried to make the best of it. True I would miss my commute and traffic jams.
I arrived at sunny Gitmo and was made the activities director. With my limited budget I hired my friend Poultry. He liked the idea of working within commute of his imagined workers paradise and in this day jobs are hard to find.
The food was better than the federal cafeteria in the place I worked at and the meals were free. Poultry was constantly complaining about the lack of Grey Pupon mustard and cheap imported NY State wine. The jihadi prisoners seemed to enjoy fresh Baclava and the cafeteria offering. Being a foe of terrorist everywhere as well as an entrepreneur I arranged marketing deals with consumer products companies. The companies were more than thrilled to be the official product of Gitmo. The companies were more than happy to supply ample free product. In no short time we had a score of junk food addicted terrorists with off the chart cholesterol levels. A few died and we then had a problem some religious types started objecting to potato chips being a Zionist plot. I suspected that Poultry was behind these rumors. With great ingenuity I offered
incentives for ass kicking of religious instigators. It is amazing how some people will kick asses for a case of Buffalo Wing Chips.
The job was quite thankless when I had another problem on my hands. It seems the Jihadis objected to Poultry showing Brokeback Mountain. Reluctantly, the guards rescued poultry through non violent means. The played the Mister Beamish Daisy Cutter Explosions set to familiar patriotic themes and the Jihadis surrendered. The offenders were made to watch Yentyl while the ungrateful duck prattled on about Zionist conspiracies in Hollywood. Poultry was even complaining the Ten Comandments movie was Zionist propaganda and that the Jews needed God because the US taxpayer was not around to subsidize their colonialism.
Days later a feeble lynch mob of junk food addicts threatened to kill Poultry again. It seems the inmates objected to the Ducks choices of macrame and origami as activities. Against the advice of Mr. B to bomb them back to the stone age we negotiated with the terrorists. The terrorists reduced their demands for his release to 4 cases of store brand Twinkie knockoffs. The USA doesn't leave even its most ungrateful and least worthy citizen in harms way. To ensure good will we also threw in a few copies of back issues of MAD magazine translated into Urdu. Of course the popularity of that offering led to violent confrontations between the inmates. We did manage to acquire load of subsidized back issues of Mad for yet another endorsement deal/
I did get a visit from the budget office looking into the books and found that despite of saving money with free food the increased medical costs due to heart disease and high blood pressure were through the roof. Apparently socialized medicine was more expensive than a dangerous facility of homicidal maniacs. I got a cut in pay for my efforts.
In order to cut costs the Obama administration decided to release the most sickly patients so they could die in their home countries. Imagine my surprise at the chants of "Hell no we won't go. Give us Ben Stiller movies, free nachos, socialized medicine, back issues of High Times in Urdu, Pashto and Arabic and Boxed sets of the Golden Girls or face jihad. I once again ignored the advice of Mr. Beamish and gave into the demands except for socialized medicine and sent the jihadis back home where they soon died of heart disease.
Unfortunately, the ensuing media scandal caused by the Ducks friends in the Bolshivik MSM had some nasty consequences. Desperate Cubans tried to get into our facility to get a decent meal as well as use the free theaters, libraries and macrome. Poultry was trampled by an influx of desperate anti Communist Cubans. He was screaming about don't believe the lies in the Zionist MSM this place is a concentration camp.
A perplexed President Obama visited and realized that there were no longer any Jihadis as they had either died of heart disease abroad or inside the facility. The remainder were trampled by the consumer product deprived Cubans on their way to get servings of barbequed shredded beef. Obama declared a campaign promise fulfilled and closed Gitmo. I barely escaped on the roof of the facility. Poultry's surgeons at Bethesda are still trying to figure out how to remove volumes of Marx places in places I would care not to describe. Apparently his attempt to get Cubans eating barbecued shredded beef to read Marx instead were not exactly received well by the Cubanos.
Unfortunately, we created a bad precedent and now folks from Somalia, Venezuela and Zimbabwe are looking at promising careers in terrorism to get into Gitmo Mach II. Of course I got another bad performance review and cut in pay.
I look at what is left of my career and have learned the errors of my ways
1) Listen to the wise advice of Mr. B who preaches give the jihadis what they want and send them packing to allah via daisy cutters. It is really not eco friendly but effective.
2) Be more selective in hiring flunkies for Gitmo Mach II. Even though the Duck was inexpensive labor hired by nepotism he was ungrateful and bad mouthed the previous facility.
3) When the folks from the GAO come by grab a bullet proof vest.