Saturday, February 10, 2007

Bonus Post Beakerkin listens to TMW and still botches Valentines day

B Brothers cinema presents Beakerkin Bothches Valentine's Day.

This satire does contain elements of truth.

Northwind: Beakerkin you should listen to your friend TMW. We should go out on Valentines Day. Anything is better than spending time with that hairy assed moocher.

Beak: Everytime we go out you get in trouble and I end up having to talk my way out.

Northwind: Are you still talking about the State Fair?

Beak: You tried to drink the mini goldfish bowls with the goldfish in it.

Northwind: And what about you. Who was the person who almost ate the kids hand because he got too close to the blooming onion.

Beak: I mistook it for a funnel cake. It could have happened to anyone.

Northwind: Only you Beaky, but I forgive you. The radio station WBAB is playing the soundtak from Yently.

Beak: Oh alright lets go out to a resturant.

Parking lot

Officer Fife: Okay you get out of the car.
Beakerkin: Hey I am not even in the car.
Fife: We call this preemptive police enforcement
Beakerkin: Say what? What is the charge?
Fife: Driving while a New Yorker. Most of our drugs come from NYC. We never found the kingpin.
Northwind: Beaky stop playing with the police man.
Fife: Okay assume the position.
Beakerkin: Officer you know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you
and me.
Fife: You were an ass long before you came to VT. Assume the position.
Beaker: Officer I am from NYC do you want me to grab my ankles.
Fife: Not that position you big city pervert. You know the position and lets not pretend this is the first time. All you big city hoodlums think you are smarter than us rural folk. No more inbreeding jokes or I swear you'll get the Rodney King treatment.
Hmmmm: You got a strange bulge in your pants. Are you happy to see me you sick pervert. Oh wait thats a wallet. You have foreign money in here.
Beaker: You idiot those are hundred dollar bills and there are only two of them.
Fife: Okay you can go but I got my eye on you.
Beaker: I think you have alternative lifestyle issues of your own.
Fife: What did you say? Its not my fault my parents were second cousins. Take that and that.
Northwind; Beaker will you stop playing with the cop.
Beaker: Pardon me for getting pummeled.


Northwind: Lets go there
Beaker: That isn't resturant its a bar.
Northwind: They serve food there
Beaker: Pretzels and Peanuts are not food. We are going there.
Northwind : You never think of me
Beaker: They serve alcohol.
Northwind:Lets go.


Waitress: May I take your order.
Beakerkin: Lets have ........
Northwind: A pitcher of Budwieser
Beaker: They don't serve beer in a pitcher here.
Waitress: Oh yes we do.
Beaker: Let me have the Chiken special with vodka sauce.
Northwind: Vodka sauce I'll have one too.

Waitress: Sir your English is amazing what country did you emigrate from.
Beaker: Staten Island.
Waitress: Oh so you are from the Caribean. How many people live on that Island?
Beaker: 464,000
Waitress: So you are a boat person
Northwind: Are you flirting with my boyfriend.
Waitress: Listen you French wh^&re.
Northwind: How many times do I have tell people I am not French. Listen here you serving wench
Beaker: Northwind you are not supposed to drink from pitcher.
Waitress: What does your girlfiend do for a living
Beaker: She is a PA.
Waitress: A personal assistant.
Beaker: No a Professional alcoholic
Northwind: How many times have I told you I am a drunk. I have never been to a meeting in my life. It even says it on this T shirt.


Beaker: Northwind has passed out again. Its a good thing she is petitte. I'll carry her to the car.

Fife: Caught you red handed drop the dead body. So you are a hitman, I watch the Sopranos. Who paid you to whack off your girlfriend?
Beaker: Officer its whack.
Northwind: Burp!!!!!!1
Fife: Luckily for you dead people don't burp.
Beaker: You are sure about that.
Fife: I get the impression you think I am stupid. What's that brown bag in the car.
Beaker: Its a bag of Knishes.
Fife: I knew it you were the kingpin. That is some NYC street lingo for crack. Oh wait this looks like food. I will have to take it to the station for further inspection.
Beaker: Can I go now:
Fife: Public urination is a fine. Remember I got my eye on you.


Beakerkin: Well I listened to TMW's romantic advice, but it just didn't work out for me. I won't be getting any tonight so it's Sinatra's fault.

Well at least I got some chicken in a bag. Earl get back here with my chicken.


Mr. Beamish the Kakistocrat said...

At least she doesn't wear a "I drink to make you interesting" t-shirt.

beakerkin said...

Mr B

Northwind has many Beakerkin complaints but boredom is not one of them.

Farmer John said... when is Northwind gonna make an honest man out of you. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout, when is she actually gonna let you share in her six-pack?

beakerkin said...


She can do this now as I do not drink.

Farmer John said...

Maybe you just forgot the chocolate.

Or maybe you need to put the booze in the chocolate... or something like that. ;-)

beakerkin said...

No I think your idea is on the mark. I will choclate up the alcohol.

I did laugh at one of her malaprops. She said the test measures blood in the alcohol system.

Always On Watch Two said...

Beakerkin: Say what? What is the charge?
Fife: Driving while a New Yorker.

Even in Vermont? I thought that was a charge brought only in the Deep South.


Valentine's Day is coming. I hope that the day isn't marred in my family. I'll be posting something peronal on Monday about that. Suffice it to say that I'm very worried about a family member's health; the "big day" is scheduled for February 13.

beakerkin said...

The local police are 100% correct that the drug traffic comes from NYC. Sadly they do not add other factors into their profile.

The Merry Widow said...

Beaker-Buy a 12 pack for Northwind, some chicken for Earl and take yourself to a buffet!
I have 2 teens to decide what to do with! After my son's birthday on the 12th!


beakerkin said...


That sounds like a plan. It is too bad I can't take Earl to the buffet, he could end up on the menu. He does like shrimp so I will see what we can arrange.

The Merry Widow said...

Beaker- I think they prefer dog...
Cat fur, perhaps, got any jackets that need some nifty trim?
Smuggle shrimp home in your snow boots...

I can see it now, "Officer Fife, I was taking a few shrimp back for my cat..."
Officer Fife, "Sure you were..., assume the position!"

kuhnkat said...


1.5 liters of Everclear should work!! Even mixes with, gag, BEER!!


Saute the shrimp in it also!!

Always On Watch Two said...

Believe it or not, some cats won't eat seafood. How weird is that?

The Merry Widow said...

Paca eats seafood EXCEPT tuna! She abhors it! If it has even a hint, she walks away!

blueberry Nutragrain bars though...ask my daughter!