Friday, April 07, 2006

The Weekend Cyber Roast for Always on the Watch

Our last cyber roast generated such an overwhelming response we had to do another. A roast starts out with a tribute from the host and degenerates into a series of comedy
jokes. Pack your sense of humor and bring a smile the roast is on.

I first met AOW on Jason's site and welcomed her into our family with a segment called the electronic bar. All of our sites have grown much larger but the growth of AOW has been exponential. Yet she always finds the time to stop by her oldest friends
and post a comment or two. Her formula is simple provide a quality post with with and charm and you will build a vast audience. Your audience comes from people who tend to agree with you. However, a set of good trolls create a lively board.

Most of my pests with two exceptions now visit AOW as often as my blog. The official troll of this blog Ducky is most often found at AOW or Jason's blog. Ducky is a skilled troll and has a union card in his pocket. Less skilled Anum Muhktar has also started visiting AOW. I was hardly surprised to find high on Anum's link list. This is the only area where I out rank AOW. Mr Beamish and Jason are still baffled how they missed Anum's link. Felis has his own Islamo trolls and did not need another. Unskilled deranged and vulgar John Brown also holds court there . Brown has yet to figure out people do not build an audience as trolls.

AOW has joined the new avatar craze with a refreshing avatar. Her avatar requires rolled up sleeves to deal with her slowest pupil. This one student is stuck on a single philosopher.... Oooooops that isn't one of AOW students it is the Duck. AOW also requires rolled up sleves to deal with all of my spelling errors we call Beakerisms.

This roast is now open.


American Crusader said...

AOW was one of my first contacts when I started my blog back in September. She gave me both some good ideas and some plugs as well. I probably have met most of my visitors and places I visit through her.

Jason_Pappas said...

Roast AOW? I could roast the Beak since he’s a fellow New Yorker and we tend to have the same rough edges. But what can we kid AOW about? Hmmmm. Let me think. I’d have to work in a Hatfield and McCoy joke. A bit about home schooling in a Confederate state! Let me think about it.

beakerkin said...

You could roast the new avatar. Why are the sleeves rolled up ?

I heard that she went to the Cherry Blossom festival. I got my car ready to join her for free food
but found out it was only flowers.
The trip wasn't a total loss as I got two racoons and rabbits on my way.

the merry widow said...

So Beaker- I hope you remembered a cooler with ice so you could take your prizes home for a "roadkill" barbeque?
AoW has inspired me to greater hieghts?(depths) of stockpiling! Before I wallowed in my shallow puddle of junk. Now I have been inspired to go to my nieghbors to beg and plead for any detritus to strwn my yard with. Before I tried to keep my secret addiction behind closed doors and stockade fencing, now I am ready to take my rightful place as the nieghborhood slob! It feels so GOOD to come out of the closet!


themerrywidow said...

That was supposed to be strewn. I've been hanging around 'the Beak' too long!

Anonymous said...

Now AoW knows a LOT about Islamic culture and philosophy. I once asked her what motivated her to go to such great lengths to read the Koran and other Islamic texts, and she answered that it was because she had been inspired by a demonstration of the ancient and respected traditional wisdom that she once witnessed from a simple Arabic street vendor. She then told me this story of when she and her husband were on their honeymoon walking the streets of a small town in Saudi Arabia.

It was nearing the middle of the day and they didn't want to miss lunch at their ramshackle hotel-- the only one in town which always served meals promptly.

It was then that hey came upon an old Arab herder sitting on a low stool beside his camel.

"Excuse me, sir," Aow asked, "but could you please tell us the time?"

The old man glanced at them, spat in the dirt, then turned and reached under his camel....and gently hefted the animal's testicles.

After a moment, he released
them. "It is 10 minutes before noon," he replied.

AoW and her husband exchanged confused looks, thanked the man and hurried back to their hotel, arriving just in time for the meal.

Later that day, the wandering AoW and her husband found themselves again on the same street and spied the same old herder perched beside his camel, apparently unmoved from their earlier encounter. Curious as to how he could tell time by fondling his animal's privates---an old Muslim craft?-- so they approached him and asked again, "Sir, can you tell us the time?"

They watched closely as he again
reached up and grabbed the camel's jewels, seemingly judging their weight, then pronounced, "It is half-past four."

The couple excitedly exchanged looks. AoW couldn't contain herself and blurted, "Oh, sir! That is an amazing ability you have! Could you show us how you do it?!?

"Surely," the herder responded rather tiredly, and motioned them to squat beside him on his stool. "Now, grasp his bag of jewels gently and lift them up to his belly."

AoW did so while her husband watched. "What now?", she inquired.

"Now," said the old man, "look over there--can you now see the clock in the far tower? When the big hand is on the.......


Anonymous said...

...and then there was the time when AoW and her husband wanted to take a trip from Medina to Mecca...

AoW, being a stranger to the desert but not an inexperienced traveller, sought out a local rent-a-camel office. After a long search, she locates one and tells the old weatherbeaten and dishevelled owner that she and her husband will be making a long trip through the desert all the way to Mecca, which she fully expects will take an entire week.

The old Arab then explains to AoW that even his best camel can only go 4 days without water.

After some discussion, the old Arab says... "I don't like to suggest this, but you know a good camel can go an extra 3 days or more if he is bricked."

Now quite comprehending, AoW rather hesitatingly agrees and searches out the biggest, strongest, and healthiest looking camel on the lot. As she and her husband leave the rent-a-camel office, the old motly looking owner shouts "Remeber to brick the camel!"

Not wanting to display her ignorance, AoW and her husband nod their heads and wave to the old man.

Well AoW knows that it will be a long difficult trip for the camel and so she encourages it to eat and drink its' fill. She also encourages the camel to take on all the water it can by offering it often, and even pouring an extra bucket down it's long throat.

But sure enough, 4 days into the trip, the camel drops dead. Poor AoW and her husband just barely make it back to town alive and can't wait to confront the rent-a-camel owner.

"You rented me a poor camel", AoW shouts to the old man, "It died after only 4 days in the desert, and my husband and I almost perished with it."

The puzzled old Arab looks up at AoW and says, "He was my best camel. Did you brick him?"

Mad as hell, AoW replies, "Brick him, what the hell do you mean, you crazy old fool?"

The old Arab then explains that when the camel bends over to take on water, you must take two bricks and slam them against his gonads, and as the camel gasps, his head being partially submerged in the water, will take on another 3 to 4 day supply of water.

"My GOD", AoW replied," Doesn't that hurt?"

The old Arab answers, "No! Just keep your thumbs out of the way when you slam the bricks together."

...and on that rather feeble piece of plagiarism, I'll sound my retreat...


nanc said...

did you find any children while cleaning up your homestead?

Mr. Ducky said...

If I'm the official troll then how about sending me a T-shirt or something, huh cheapskate?

Anonymous said...

I understand that when doing her research on the Koran AoW discovered a HUGE error that Islamic scribes and scholars had made when copying one of the old scrolls... contrary to what is currently believed, it stated that when jihadi's reached heaven, there'd be 72 Virginians waiting for them. I suspect many of her ancestors will be among them.


beakerkin said...


Warren offered you a choice of products from the Beakerkin catalog. You did not want the I love Beakerkin coffe mug or Kick @$#$ Mr Beamish talking action figure.

Anonymous said...

Beak, Osama Bin Laden and AoW are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern, which the beak decides to dust off... when "poof", all of a sudden a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish," says the Genie.

Beak says, "I am a New Yorker, my dad was a New Yorker, and my son will likely be a New Yorker too. I want the World Trader Center restored to just the way it was pre- 9/11." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the WTC is back just like the old days.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around all Muslim lands, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious caliphate." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

AoW asks the Genie, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the caliphate; nothing or nobody can get in or out --- virtually impenetrable."

AoW says, "For my wish, I want you to fill it with water."


Anonymous said...

Osama Bin Laden phoned AoW one morning. "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner."

"What was on the banner?" asked AoW.

"LONG LIVE OSAMA!" answered the terrorist.

"I am so glad that you called," AoW responded, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw the entire Middle East and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools full of men and women; and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner."

"What did the banner say?" asked Osama.

"I don't know," answered AoW, "I can't read Hebrew.


bum from jersey said...

What? Always on the Watch is a woman?! I don't know if I like that. While I do not read AOW's blog on a daily basis as I read the beak's, when I do, I have always found it to be insightful and interesting. But that I now its being written by a woman, this changes everything!

Women are dangerous, especially the ones with opinions.


Anonymous said...

I once asked AoW "What do you do if you see a Taliban Member with 20 bullet wounds in him?"

She immediately replied, "Why reload and shoot him again!"

I then asked her, "How do you stop a Taliban Member from drowning?"

"You don't" she replied, "you just keep your foot on his head!"

Wanting to find out more about Middle Eastern culture, I asked AoW "Why in Iran they don't have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?"

She prompltly replied, "Because they don't have enough camels"

I once asked AoW what she Osama bin Laden's ideal weight was.

Her immediate response was "About 8 pounds... including the urn."


Warren said...

AOW, recently had a traumatic incident.

She received a gift wrapped package from a student, (the son of a liquor store owner). She examined the package and played the guessing game. It was leaking so she touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," said the boy.
AOW, took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
The boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

She once told me, a wise schoolteacher sends a note to all parents on the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

One of her posters said that he had so many books he didn't know what to do with them. AOW replied; 'Why not try reading some of them!'

I wish to end by saying, there is no truth to the rumor that her laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith & Wesson"

BTW, Ducky, We offered to send you something "special", (it was a coffee mug that said "I "heart" the Beakerkin", on one side and an Israeli flag on the other ((that's true, its probably still in the archive))). You never did come through on that mailing address. I also offered to send you $0.25 so you could buy a clue but you wouldn't give up a paypal account name and evidently you still don't have a clue.

Always On Watch said...

Just letting everyone know that I am back from work now.

Thanks for the nice introduction. And, yes, I am the grammar police. But I don't ridicule my friends.

beakerkin said...


That is true you did make that offer to Ducky. However buying a clue is beyond the Duck. Anum is just a bonus troll. The Duck remains the official troll of this blog.

Debbie said...

Do you see the arms on that gal Always on Watch? Those are for fighting Islamic terrorists.

Do you see her hijab, uh, headscarf? That is so her voluminous amounts of long, curly hair doesn't get in her way when she is beating up the Islamic terrorists.

Do you see her sleeves rolled up? Know why that is? She wants the Islamic terrorists to see her big muscles...

She also has a kind heart and will be my ears at the upcoming "The Underlying Roots of Terrorism:
Terrorism's Threat to World Peace
and National Security". I expect those ears to be stretched out big, like antennaes. ha

Take notes, make recordings, live blog,...

In other words do what you always do, a great job.

the merry widow said...

nanc-No, no small, medium or large children. If I do I'll send them your way or I can send them to AoW to help with the cleanup of course!
AoW- Sorry no humor at the moment, but I do appreciate everything you post and the work you do!


Always On Watch said...

We have found no children during our cleanup. But we did find several tires beneath the underbrush and discarded transmissions. Some of those tires date back to before we moved in here. Good for tire swings, once you clean off the mildew and disinfect them for West Nile Virus. Of course, before cleaning them, one must first inspect for the brown recluse spider.

Always On Watch said...

I got briefly interruped from checking here. Serious car accident out in front of my house, but I don't think anybody was hurt.

And before anyone blames my junkyard for the accident, just know that my front yard has nothing on it except for a birdbath. It's the back yard which is the automotive graveyard.

Mustang said...

Among the great questions in history, we find: (1) Is the Pope Catholic? (2) Does a chicken have lips? (3) If a bear craps in the woods and there is no one near to hear it, does it make a sound when it hits the soil? And finally, (4) Is AOW a woman?

Obviously, many questions in history remain unanswered, and just as many might have been incomplete questions. For example, "Why is the Pope a Catholic?"

Better, more insightful questions might be: "Is AOW a woman? Has she always been a woman? Why?"

It is no matter to me whether AOW is a female. What matters most to me is that this individual is one of the most insightful persons writing on the blogosphere today; AOW does good research, offers logical opinions that fall directly from facts, and then allows us to form our own conclusions. I also know that AOW is an excellent writing partner. Most of all, AOW is my best cyber friend -- and I treasure that more than anyone can imagine.

Let me offer my dubious congratulations, AOW for getting all of this attention. I can't imagine what you did to deserve this. Oh, and please . . . go clean up your backyard!

beakerkin said...

My theory about AOW is that her arms are from carrying massive stacks of books. I am a bibliophile but AOW has raised the term to a new level.

If Ducky had AOW as a techer he might have turned out coherent. Then again AOW is an educator and that job might require a miracle worker.

Mr. Beamish the Instablepundit said...

AOW leads a resistance cell in the hills of Northern Virginiastan, fighting the evil encroachment of Islamofascism and its nefarious use of the American judicial system to try to sue Denny's into no longer serving bacon. Will she succumb to the all-compasing cultural warfare? Stay tuned!

Always On Watch said...

I don't have that Smith & Wesson sticker on my laptop. But I Do have a loaded S&W .38 right next to "my spot" in the living room.

Teachers are miracle workers. We have to be. And we have to believe in miracles to keep working at our jobs.

For quite a while, I didn't reveal my gender here in the blogosphere. Until the Rosie avatar (Kudos to Warren!), I used to get emails assuming I'm a man. Good for chuckles. And one commenter at another blod didn't care much for an apology I rendered for an unladylike outburst and invited me to "grow a set."

You do indeed deserve some kind of prize for being our troll. Beak has excellent ideas on that, I think.

Back later. T'storm moving in. I hope we don't get a tornado! But on the plus side, maybe a tornado will finish the cleanup in our backyard.

Posting this and shutting down fast!

Elmer's Brother said...

AOW has been a kind and good companion along my trek in the blogosphere. She has always encouraged and challenged me.

nanc said...

we're following aow's lead this day; nancpop, nancson, nancdaughter are rearranging the vehicles in the yard so as to be more aesthetically pleasing to the eye - shortest to tallest - please don't look in the trunks or back seats!

nanc said...

P.S. AND O.T. - when will the beamish in '08 bumper stickers go on sale? i need one or eight (depending on how many vehicles i put them on) to start the campaign season off RIGHT!

Always On Watch said...

What did I do to receive this cyber roast? I volunteered! Having been interviewed by Beak, I already knew what a great host he is.

It was a lucky day when I met you, my friend. I thought you might have a Ford Mustang.

And the offer I made long ago still holds. If you're ever up here in Northern Virginia, we can go for a spin in my Mustang GT convertible. Or if you prefer, we can go out to the drag strip, and YOU can run the Pony down the track.

PS: I'm not doing much of the cleanup in the back yard. I didn't make that mess! Packrats like my husband must be held accountable if they're to overcome their affliction.

Always On Watch said...

My ears will definitely be our on stalks. But the symposium won't allow any live blogging. I already checked on that. Laptops discouraged and cameras forbidden. I'll be taking pen-and-paper notes like a crazy.

Elmer's Bro,
Please notify me when that interesting interview takes place.

Only three more vehicles to get rid of. We're making progress.

Mr. Beamish,
Succumb? Me? Not on your life!

Beamish in '08!

Merry Widow,
Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate your visits to my blog.

You have a good feature at your blog: "Comment of the Week." How did you come up with that concept?

Did you watch the Dean Martin Roasts? You've got the zingers down pat.

nanc said...

did anybody ever tell you that you were too nice for your own good, aow? well i don't want to be the first, so please, somebody - anybody - go first!

what, no words for the absent anum?

o.t., but i bought the most beautiful solid oak, older parson's type table at a tag sale today - which vehicle should i stuff it into until the time comes when i use it for kindling or chop the legs off for a footstool?

nanc said...

uhmmmm...beak? you there? fpm horowitz vs. churchill article - wtf happened? it's your arch nemisis and nanc; what kind of fight is that? the entire thread disappeared.

beakerkin said...

Roberta tends to erase fights on posts. Meathead is clearly Socrates
and I am starting to wonder about Hank Snow.

Justin said...

Always has always impressed me with her depth of knowlege on the subjects she discusses. AOW has the ability to convince even the most jaded of us that she is right when she speaks.

Take for instance the time the County showed up at her door to discuss the many cars on her property.

Did she try to convince him that they were trying to get a second income by have a parking lot? Of course not.

Did she try to convince him that they just awoke one morning and all of these abandoned vehicles appeared? Of course not.

In true AOW fashion she gave a performance that would have won an Oscar had it been a movie.

She convinced him that she was a struggeling college student doing a paper on Urban Blight and its effects on the environment. Therefore all of these vehicles were a part of this project that would benifit the community as a whole.

With that the worker walked away scratching his head. Needless to say the worker is now looking for gainful employment after telling his boss the story.

AOW, it has been great getting to know you and hope to read many more of your posts :)

Anonymous said...

Sorry AoW. I don't have a proper roast setting. I'm usually either off or on broil. Polemics do that to you.


Always On Watch said...

"Broil" is good. I'm often on that setting myself.

nanc said...

that's funny, aow - i would have thought you were a "simmer"...

Always On Watch said...

I simmer for a while, then burst into flames.

Last night, I had a rant at Mustang's site. I also had one, not long ago, at IBA.

Anonymous said...

I guess its' just a question then of how long it takes to make the pot boil over. ;-)


nanc said...

T.O.T. - beak - i'm having a conversation with soybean about you at fpm on the d.y. article - i've thrown some bait - i hate bottom fishing...

nanc said...

O.T. - beak and aow, check this out and tell me what you think:

avatar-guy is at it again!

nanc said...

bock, bock, bock. i just got the san diego chicken relation! you are now sneaky beak!

beakerkin said...

I like the Chicken Hawk avatar better.

MissingLink said...

Sorry to be late for this party.
The time difference (excuses, excuses).
It is always so good to see AOW visiting and even more fun reading her posts.

Somehow I've always known AOW is a lady.

nanc said...

anus macturd at a.c. spewing more islamic hatred.

Always On Watch said...

Maybe Friday prayer-services did a bit of firing up??? I've seen that pattern before.

Mr. Beamish the Instablepundit said...

I call that Freaky Friday, AOW. It usually wears off by Tuesday.

nanc said...

it's baaaack!

nanc said...

i wonder if beak will ever have roasted anum......???

beakerkin said...

That is a wonderful idea. I had considered it but she wouldn't attend.

All of you are Infidels and must repent or looooooooose your head except Ducky. Ducky never used his head.

Warren said...

"Ducky never used his head."

That's not true, it keeps his ears from rubbing together

Always On Watch said...

I call that Freaky Friday

I think that Anum may have consulted the imam at All Dulles Center, that mosque near the intersection of Leesburg Pike and Reston Parkway, or the Falls Church mosque. A few of the 9/11 hijackers attended the Falls Church mosque, with which convicted felon Al-Timimi had a connection.

Earlier you mentioned a resistace cell in the hills of Northern Virginiastan. I am a team blogger at Northern Virginiastan. LOL.

Always On Watch said...

Missing Link,
A lady, am I? Most times. LOL.

Your tardy excuse is accepted. I will, on occasion, accept a tardy excuse, but not often.

BTW, Democracy Frontline is one of my primary sources.

Esther said...

Here I am late to the party too, as usual. Sorry, was away for the week and have been playing serious catch up!

AOW is awesome! She's one of the few bloggers I've had the privledge of meeting IRL and adore her and her husband. What hoots! You couldn't have made a finer choice, Beak, for a roast. She's on fire!

Mr. Beamish the Instablepundit said...

If I'm late, then late again, am I re-tardy?

Always On Watch said...

Mr. Beamish,
My President is not re-tardy!

Secretary of Homeland Education

Thanks. I guess that I'm a little intense--more that a little, if I'm completely honest. I did manage, when we met, to shut up long enough to eat, though. LOL.

Always On Watch said...

Thank you, initimable master of ceremonies, for hosting this roast. This was an excellent way to begin my spring break!

Anonymous said...

Yes, the roast was well done.

My problem with spring break, however, is that all my kids were off different weeks this year. I miss the old traditional run up to Easter/ Passover with the opportunity for families to get together.


Note to Herbert Marcuse... Damn hippie! I'll get you for this!

Always On Watch said...

We homeschoolers take Easter break, regardless of others' schools' schedules.

Always On Watch said...


Actually my students don't get a complete break. For one thing, the lit students are assigned to read the first two acts of Hamlet.

Anonymous said...

Ahhh, the Prince of Denmark. They don't come richer or with more depth. I envy your students...

On sight of Fortinbras army marching against Poland (Shakespeare, "Hamlet")...

Hamlet: How all occasions do inform against me, And spur my dull revenge!

What is a man, If his chief good and market of his time Be but to sleep and feed?

a beast, no more.

Sure, he that made us with such large discourse, Looking before and after, gave us not That capability and god-like reason To fust in us unused.

Now, whether it be Bestial oblivion, or some craven scruple Of thinking too precisely on the event, A thought which, quarter'd, hath but one part wisdom And ever three parts coward,

I do not know Why yet I live to say 'This thing's to do;' Sith I have cause and will and strength and means To do't.

Examples gross as earth exhort me: Witness this army of such mass and charge Led by a delicate and tender prince [Fortinbras], Whose spirit with divine ambition puff'd
Makes mouths at the invisible event, Exposing what is mortal and unsure To all that fortune, death and danger dare, Even for an egg-shell.

Rightly to be great Is not to stir without great argument, But greatly to find quarrel in a straw When honour's at the stake.
How stand I then, That have a father kill'd, a mother stain'd, Excitements of my reason and my blood, And let all sleep?

while, to my shame, I see The imminent death of twenty thousand men, That, for a fantasy and trick of fame, Go to their graves like beds, fight for a plot Whereon the numbers cannot try the cause, Which is not tomb enough and continent To hide the slain?

O, from this time forth, My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!



Always On Watch said...

Most in the class have seen the Mel Gibson version. You know how teens are.

Gibson's interpretation is only one of many, as you know. The question for consideration while the students read: Why did Hamlet hesitate for so long? Different passages support different possibilities, of course.

We read the first scene aloud in class to reduce Shakespeare-phobia; I have quite a few newbies this year. I could be wrong, but I think the students will sally forth on their own now. We're using the Folgers edition, which reduces my need to give lecture after lecture. Also, I have an excellent packet from the National Endowment for the Arts; homeschoolers qualify to receive this packet, complete with video, audio CD, worksheets, and teacher's guide. The material is very helpful--something, at last, for our tax dollars. NEA also has produced a good guide for To Kill A Mockingbird, and I'll use it next year when we study American lit.

Of course, Hamlet needs more than one reading so as to explore the various levels and nuances.

Old though it is, we'll watch the Laurence Olivier version toward the end of the year. We try to have a movie day once each year.

Anonymous said...

Shakespeare sows the seeds of many idea's in his works. I'll keep my fingers crossed that some of those seeds take root in the minds of your students and that one day, ten or twenty years from now, you reap a rich harvest and can feast on that fruit... perhaps a novel or an overture...


Always On Watch said...

"Paul" studied Hamlet some years ago. It was the first Shakespearean work for him. He still talks about Hamlet. I'll get something like the overture from him, I think.

One of the younger students in this year's class--a ninth grader--read the play on his/her own and is now reading it for the second time along with the class. This student follows this practice regularly: read the books over the summer, then reread for class discussion. Ah, the insights this student has!

Teaching has its rewards, nearly always at a great delay.

Anonymous said...

It looks to me like you're likely to eat of both fruits. Congratulations. That is no easy feat, espcially in this day and age.


nanc said...

that sounds exactly like my son, aow - a shakespeare geek and he's in ninth grade. he started reading the classics a few years ago and picked up on their gist immediately. of course by the age of three he knew all the states and capitals. at seven he knew all the presidents, their v.p.s, political parties - i love being in the midst of nerds! i'm just the old dog around the house that is constantly learning new tricks.