Thursday, November 29, 2012

A Future Prediction Beamish at 88

Over at Zinla's some joked about what a geriatric version of Mr B would be like.

And now at MSPMSLSD we bring you a report of the last American Patriot Mr. Beamish in the Bill Clinton Retirement Home and Casino in Tuscalosa

Reporter: So you are the last American Patriot
Mr B: Darn right. It was a great country that went to Hell after President Chelsea Clinton declared war on Patriotism and Tail Gating.
Reporter: Tail Gating sounds gay
Mr B: No you $%^%& idiot. It was when we watched real Football with broken bones concussions and served food that would stick to your ribs and clog your arteries. Then they merged the NFL with the American Ballet and ruined the game. Watching Swan Lake with tackles is no substitute for the NFL.
Reporter: So what happened to all your friends.
Mr Beamish: My friend FJ ended up in a mental ward after it was discovered that supporting Ron Paul and multiple personalities qualify as a mental illness. They fed him tofu for a week and he started to think one of his personas was Christopher Lloyd. He mumbled a few lines about Back to the Future and tried to time travel with a souped up meat freezer in a Hagerstown Supermarket. He electrocuted himself but made some amazing ribs that were the best in centuries. Unfortunately, the recipe was lost.
Reporter: That sounds horrible
Mr B: Yes Paulism is dreadful. TMW found a use for Tofu as an element in sheet rock. She made a fortune but lost it class warfare. The Beakerkin Dude was strangest of all. He would survive everything five attacks at the WTC, three ferry crashes, scores of mentally disturbed girl friends from across the globe, visits from frum relatives and he was usually peaceful. Then President Chelsea Clinton decided to close Chinese Buffets and ban Mountain Dew. The man of peace barricaded himself into a buffet on 1& 9 in NJ. He was chanting It is all you can eat and must die trying to eat all. The President called out the Janet Reno Division of the Army but MSG, Mountian Dew and off the chart cholesterol was too much. He was buried in Guyana and his tomb is a tourist attraction for fans of Redneck Cuisine with Jewish influences and surf music memorabilia.
The T shirt sales are a major source of revenue. Rather go through another attack at the WTC then spend a minute with those house guests is a large seller.

Reporter: What is it like having the last American Patriot as a resident.
Home Director: Its tough as he tries to seduce nurses 1/3 of his age. The national guard was called in when he painted his motor mobility unit up like something he called the General Lee and did donuts in the Lane Bryant Mall of Alabama. He ran into a 650 pound woman and the scooter was totaled. We also have to supervise him because he has been caught making his own alcohol. He's working on a gardening project
tool something he calls a Daisy Cuter hasn't been a daisy in these parts for two decades.

Reporter: A product of another era working on a tool for plants that no longer exist. Back to you Li Fu. This is Sanjay Ramalamading Dong reporting from Tuscaloosa.

Post Script Thank You Glenn Beck for spoofing dumb art exhibits with the comedy Classic Obama in the Pee. Of course doing an Obama Conga Line Dance to the Unemployment Office might get one sent to GITMO or in a re education camp run by Bill Ayers.


Always On Watch said...

LOL to the Home Director's final statement!

Rita said...

That was quite entertaining. But what, is there no future fir Ducky?

Ducky's here said...

You mean the bit about the Daisy Cuter(sic).

beakerkin said...


I tried to fit Ducky in but if Beamish is 88 then Ducky is around 103 in this timeline.

Most likely the Mossad catches him and he is subjected to a Barbara Sriesand film festival goes insane and makes a fortune producing reality TV classics like Who wants to give Donald Trump a wedgie and Heteros pick out the tranny gameshow. Of course he a ton of money invests it in green energy loses his shirt and reverts to familiar obsessions.

Z said...

I don't think beamish is the last American patriot by a loooong shot, , though I think he definitely loves America more than any other country...but this is very clever reading.
Thanks, Beak! xx

beamish said...

88 is four years more than double my age.

Life in America in the year 2058 isn't so bad if you can hunt, fish, and speak Spanish.

beakerkin said...

Mr B

And make your own alcohol. Grow your own tobacco or likely by that time legalized pot.

beamish said...

Before it all comes down though, we'll have refugees from the cities roaming the countryside seaching for the trees that grow cans of pork and beans.