Jiffy Redemption

Are you tired of praying and the painful process of seeking redemption? Come to MZ's Jiffy Teshuvah for $39.99 and kissing MZ's ring with some insincere words you can have your soul saved.

Cusomer 1: I am from Tredington and I had relations with produce.
MZ: Are you Jewish
Customer 1: No I am not
MZ: Get out of the shop and no refund for wasting my time you pervert. KY I wouldn't eat that salad that shmendrick brought in. I think you should toss it.
KY Tossed salad
MZ: Nah into the can. The guy was one of those mutant vegisexuals.
KY: Shouldn't we be stoning him

Customer 2 I am from Miami and I have been abusing myself all day.
MZ: Onanism is a very serious sin you will need the $59.99 MZ special. Now kiss my ring say a few insicere words and stop jerking off.

Customer 3 I am an alcoholic and a pot head. I seek redemtion and some Scooby snacks.
MZ: Did you bring any of this alcohol with you.
Customer 3: Yes I have six pack in the trunk?
MZ: Well give the six pack to my assistant KY, We can't allow you to be tempted. Scooby snacks are not Kosher so thake this Rugelach and pay $79.99 for the deluxe package. Now mumble a few insincere words and make way for the next customer. Remember to give my Toady er assistant the beer as you leave.
KY: Put the beer in the fridge for later.

Customer 4: I am an unstable Israeli mental patient and military reject. I violated
a persons privacy and had a disgusting evil troll attempt blackmail.
MZ: Kiss my ring pay 39.99 and chant Kahane Lives and be incoherent.

Customer5: I am the person blackmailed by the previous customer. I think you are making a mockery of redemtion and are a gasbag.
KL: He is an apikores grab the stones.
Customer 5: I got bigger stones than any of you Kahanist clowns.
MZ: Did you pay the 39.99
Customer 5: No I didn't pay the $39.99.I don't need you to lecture me about God. Leave dangerous mental patients in the hands of skilled professionals. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a section 8 in Israel?
MZ: He didn't pay the fee or kiss my ring grab the stones.
Apikores(Apostate) Alert !!!!! Apikores Alert !!! ALL Kahanist clowns to the stoning stations.

Who needs to do the hard of actual redemption? Come to MZ's Jiffy Redemption now only serving the Chosen People. Pay $39.99 kiss MZ's ring say a few insincere words and all your past wrongs are forgiven. This service does NOT serve homosexuals. We will serve murders, thieves, blackmailers but not homosexuals.

I wonder if God's self appointed messenger can label my site an Apikores site? It would seem those that lecture others need to look in the mirror.